Jihad jerry's Weekly Low Down on the Down Low

Thanksgiving, O my brothers!!! For what do we have to give thanks? I asked my subjects at the Brain Dead Tavern in Lubbock, Texas to search their damned souls for honest answers. They were in particularly fiesty moods that were somewhat unpredictable on the eve of Turkey Day.

Cleve opened up with a loud "Thank God we're not in Darfur! Them people are really f*ked!" That was impossible to disagree with but when I pressed him for clarification I was horrified. "They don't know how to live! They let a-holes push them around and just sit there and take it!" I've heard that lame style "karma" argument from pseudo-hippies that think victims of concentration camps in WWII brought it upon themselves. Perhaps the proponents of such conceits need to go to empathy classes with Mel Gibson.

Bewk was much more sanguine as expected. He railed against the hypocrisy of Fox News, Rupert Murdoch, Bill O'Reilly and Heraldo Rivera who sactimoneously dissed O.J. Simpson's book and TV interview entitled "If I did It" thereby getting it successfully axed in the marketplace. Bewk could hardly speak he was laughing so hard. "They said it wuz a low point in American culture. Haw, Haw, Haw, Haw. You can't go low enough to reach that place! It wus the opposite! We wus robbed of the godammned closure we all been waitin' for since '94. O.J. 's got this Jungian need to confess and he's been figurin' out how to do it ever since he bogusly got off for bein' a dirty, double murderer! Who cares if he wraps his confession in flimsy fiction? The right thing for the wrong reason iz never bad! Leave it to the the bullshit of middle brow culture to appear moral just when we need 'em to be as filthy and as and souless as they really are. It's like when the cable ENG crews get realtime snuff on tape then explain to the viewers they will not show it in the interests of "taste". F*k them! That's like a porno channel in a hotel cuttin' the penetration."

Bewk, I couldn't agree more! I too laugh until I cry at this piece of shit, moronic culture's off-target attempts at taking the "moral" high ground. What a joke! They don't seem to have a problem with 600,000 dead Iraqi civilians since the beginning of our invasion/liberation. Funny how people rationalize hidoeus behavior.

So, for what do we have to give thanks? One Eyed Pete finished me off in my question quest.

"Give thanks that we kill more people than any other country in the world while appearing to be holier than thou. Give thanks that we have enough A-bombs and H-bombs to let God sort out the details while asking any nation who doesn't have such weapons to blow us! Give thanks that we have so much food and water and money and machines that we can grind up ten times the energy per person of any of these poor, sorry fucks around the world that sit starving in front of an outdated TV that they can't even plug into an outlet while we lecture them about ecology! Give thanks that nobody can get us back for getting them first because we were so paranoid that we pre-empted them from something they weren't even going to do in the first place! Give thanks that we killed all the savage Indians! Give thanks that our Fundamentalist Christians outspend all the Fundamentalist Muslims 10 to 1 in their insane, endless struggle for world domination. Give thanks that President Bush in his divine wisdom gave truck status to humongous SUV's so they wouldn't have to pass girly-man, small passenger vehicle pollution and mileage standards. And finally, give thanks to all the idiots who gave control of the House and Senate to the hapless Democrats cuz now we can blame them for all the unsolvable crises in 2008 you f*king turkeys!"

One Eyed Pete's diatribe silenced the room. Even the fiesty ladies had nothing to add. He really hits the nail on the head every time. I guess that's why I keep going back to Brain Dead Tavern for another dose of CW. It keeps me centered. It keeps me more clear that Tom Cruise in a Scientology sweat tank.

Enjoy, you Turkeys

Jihad Jerry

JIHAD JERRY’S LOWDOWN ON THE DOWN LOW - 11/10

O My Brothers! I apologize for my absence. I danced and pranced and sang and hanged with DEVO in concert climaxing in Las Vegas at The Joint in the Hard Rock Casino. I sang “Beautiful World” with pride and blew off a harmonica solo before telling 3 very bad jokes. I returned to the cesspool of LA in time to observe your Mid-term elections. What a big surprise! Americans are not as stupid or as conservative as Karl Rove and your President believed.

Don’t misunderstand me. This is not about a contest between Democrats and Republicans as the sports-obsessed media might have you believe. This was about people fucking up! This was about stupid ideas failing! Andrew Sullivan, the conservative, gay, Times Magazine columnist, had me believing that I was gay and conservative just because I agreed that politicians should practice what they preach. The neo-cons clearly did not.

Wow! I guess that fact that Mr. Bush is and was a hypocritical moron who drained all of your tax dollars to fight a trumped up war of first choice in Iraq to the detriment of all that mattered in domestic welfare and the war on terror isn’t enough to make any reasonable person take offense and change leadership. You have to be gay and conservative to figure that out? Amazing! I guess I’m ready to toss salad.

Bush and his Junta should be hung right along with Saddam Hussein for they are war criminals just as he is. What other conclusion could you draw given that the administration took 400 billion of your tax dollars and counting to finance an unjust war that has killed over 600 thousand innocent Iraqi citizens and nearly 3000 American, troops while at the same time destabilizing the entire Mid-east, empowering Iran and drawing Al Quaeda into Iraq where they were in fact never there previously?

Rent the film “A Face In The Crowd” directed by Elia Kazan in 1956. It’s all there. The cynical, cornpone pandering to faith-based, poor, ignorant slobs: The manipulation of the then emerging TV media by right wing politicians, and the fear-based herding of the voting public financed by ads from big business – it all happened a long time ago O My Brothers! It’s just bigger and better today.

The damage is done. The Fundamentalists in America have had their way as have the Muslim radicals. They are a dream team to crush democracy. “W” was their gift. The Republican Party and the Democratic Party as well as all of the American people should hang their heads in shame for allowing this travesty of history to happen. Make no mistake. History will mark this chapter as the beginning of the end of Western society’s supremacy.

If you think Nancy Pelosi is going to make everything all right you are part of the problem, not the solution. O, My brothers I just realized this isn’t very funny. Jihad Jerry apologizes. As Karl Rove said “We are at war and nothing is funny.”

It’s actually very funny because he and his politics of fear are the true enemy. They created the Bogey Man that keeps it all going: Happy belated Halloween.

Peek-a-boo,

Jihad Jerry

Jihad Jerry's Weekly Lowdown on the Downlow October 27th

Oh, my Brothers there is no lowdown this week although the week was spewing too many opportunities to issue a "Fatwad". The reason for the abscence of neccesay rant is legitimate. Jihad Jerry is currently making stage appearances during the encore set of DEVO concerts in California, including Palm Springs, Anaheim, San Francisco and Los Angeles. Jihad will also appear at the DEVO show on November 4th at the Haed Rock Casino in Las Vegas. Sim Sala Bim! Soon I will respond to your comments.

JIHAD JERRY’S WEEKLY LOWDOWN ON THE DOWN LOW - OCTOBER 20TH

The Muslim veil separatism issue in Great Britan and the new Jack In The Box TV commercial – what is the connection? I was given this class assignment by Shake Omar Bakola to see if years after graduation from Pain State University I still had what it takes. Oh, my brothers I still have what it takes. In fact my sphincter is larger than ever after the last 8 years of enduring Bush style “freedom” where the super rich and the super right are free to ream the rest of us. Give me your filth! I can take it!

First lets review the issues. Pet Shop Boy, Tony Blair, found himself in the middle of a growing controversy over the Fundamentalist Muslim policy in the UK allowing women to wear full, face-concealing veils in government buildings, airports, courtrooms and classrooms. Wearing the traditional niqab only the eyes can be seen. OK. For these people everyday is Halloween. To Westerners it’s creepy to be sure to see only eyes and not the face – “Eyes Without a Face” a great film Noir and a sappy Billy Idol hit from the mid-eighties. At least Americans know how ugly or sexy a woman is when she gives them the evil eye.

But in reality why is that any more “separatist” than a teacher in a Channel suit teaching a class who’s members are wearing FUBU gear? Or for that matter a pedophile priest in his ridiculous robes giving genuflection lessons to blue collar boys wearing blue jeans and backwards baseball caps. I don’t know about you but if I’m stopped by a CHP officer in his navy dress, badge and polished knee-high, leather boots I think “F*K! He’s separating himself from me! Who the hell does he think he is, anyway?”

The fact is everyone in society given their roles, money and power separates himself or herself from everyone else. They are proud of their differences even when they are getting the short end of the stick. The niqab veil is just a step too far for a culture that, above all, celebrates their stupid ethnocentricity and cultural jingoism.

That brings us to the supremely cynical Jack the Box Commercial. It’s a commercial within a commercial that begins with a faux commercial for a car that runs on pure water and gets 1000 miles to the gallon. It’s incredibly consumer and environment friendly. Mid-commercial there’s a white noise glitch and a picture jump common to swift channel surfing. Slam cut to “Jack” (actually the agency creative who created the Jack character and inhabits the Styrofoam “Jack” head) glibly announcing his new, grossly hideous sandwich. His news trumps the revolutionary car. The people have spoken. “F*K these liberal, do-gooder, environmental protectionist, politically correct wimps trying to preach consciousness about responsibility to future generations, just give us the salt heavy, fat laden, heart stopping, affordable sandwich and shut up!

And “Jack” by the way is completely disguised. Talk about separation! We can’t see his ugly face at all – just two black dots for eyes and a red painted smile. He’s much more creepy than the Muslim women in their niqabs but we in the West don’t mind because he’s selling a poison we’re comfortable with and it goes far deeper than the unhealthy sandwich. He’s selling a lifestyle and a form of friendly fascism that is brain-rotting to the core. It’s why we are now the laughing stock of the world, as bumbling and incoherent as the leader we chose to represent us. We have thrown the fight and no one even had to invade us. We invaded ourselves by rewarding the worst tendencies imbedded in our national character. Even a silly clown like Kim Jong Il scored last week. That’s unacceptable and it’s our own fault.

Next week Shake Omar Bakola will review my answer to his question. Let us see if I pass. Tell me what you think. I want to know.

Sim Sala Bim

JIHAD JERRY’S LOWDOWN ON THE DOWNLOW - October 13th

Oh, my brothers! Jihad Jerry writes and writes from on high but who reads what is written? Soon we may find out. MINEISNOTAHOLYWAR.COM is officially switched up to incorporate Blogger. You infidels will be able to attack, revile and question JJ at your leisure. I will respond! And soon I will have my own YouTube channel - the real unholy war will begin. The man they love to hate and the CD they’re afraid to rate will not go quietly into that good night. Jihad Jerry and the Evildoers will not be suppressed by the gatekeepers for the Corporate Feudal State know as the USA!!!

Jihad is feeling very unfunny in this All War All the Time world. My trip to the Brain Dead Tavern as reported in Jihad Jerry’s Lowdown on the Downlow one week ago did provide a respite from my unholy war but that was then and this is now. Some things, like Baseball, are sacred so let me castigate those who suggested that New York Yankees pitcher, Cory Lidle, perished this week in a 9/11-style copycat suicide as a result of his team’s losing season. Even more repugnant are the rumors of the fatal crash being caused by mid-flight, Brokeback Mountain-style, cockpit hanky panky with his male flight instructor. It is very strange however that the media has not mentioned that Cory’s high school baseball coach, Dick “Slider” Balzac, lived just one floor below the impact zone. As on the mound Cory was a little high and to the right: less high and to the right than Rush Limbaugh to be sure. (Ed McMahon laughs hard right here).

More importantly on the world stage even Kim Jong Il’s October Surprise couldn’t shake the pathologically homophobic US media from their fixation on Congressman, Mark Foley.

A possibly fake nuclear test by a guy who’s Marionette double stole the show in Matt Parker and Trey Stone’s film, “Team America – World Police” turned heads of state around the world but not those of Nancy Grace, Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly to name a few. In post-democratic society sexual witch-hunts provide a riveting diversion from the wholesale abuses of power and rape of environmental and economic resources being perpetrated at an astonishing velocity by the current Administration. That’s right you fools, in case you haven’t noticed America is now a nation of sick, conflicted, bloated, IQ-challenged, aggressive, jingoistic, faith-based, anti-democratic morons pushing their devolved agendas on the rest of the passive, confused, frightened, politically correct population who still think their votes count while they all take it in the shorts from global Corporate interests who see them as a pest infestation.

Most historians agree that western democracies lasted longer than predicted given the flawed duality of human nature. I must admit that even Jihad Jerry is impressed with how long masses of people sustained the idea and thus the practice of a system of government that pretended to value human rights and the rule of law. Overpopulation and the threat of nuclear annihilation ended the college fantasy of justice for all once and for all. The final nose-dive began around the kitsch-filled celebration of our 200 years of Independence from the English Monarchy. One year after the US exited the unparalleled shame of the Vietnam War the patriotic fervor was a sight to behold.

Our current Corporate Feudal social order is the result of the fine tuning of thought manipulation and economic control by the very few over a frightened, desperate, dumbed-down human herd. The middle is gone and the masses of poor fight tooth and nail for the dollars to buy the latest pair of $200.00 sneakers and $50.00 “T’s” to slap the latest logo on their backs proudly displaying who it is that owns their butts. Democracy is now just a brand and a slogan brandished like a weapon as when our fearless leader proclaims he is “spreading democracy”. When he says that it has a creepy, ominous ring as if he’s releasing the Ebola virus genetically engineered to spare God-fearing Christian folks here at home. Certainly, given how many Iraqi civilians have been killed thus far according to the latest MIT study US intervention in their country may as well have been flag-draped Ebola.

Oh, I can hear you infidels protesting now “Those death rates came from flawed methodology!” That’s so Baa-Baa-lievable.

Enduring your Freedom,

Jihad Jerry

JIHAD JERRY’S LOW DOWN ON THE DOWN LOW - OCTOBER 6TH

“Death begins in the colon”. The headline for colonics accompanied by the image of a shriveled large intestine I see in free newspapers across this land of the free stuck in my brain as I beheld the packed house for the annual Beer Fest at Brain Dead Tavern. The Beer Fest revelers were already three sheets to the wind, inhaling grilled sausages, hot dogs, barbecued ribs slathered in hot sauce, chips, dips, pickles, breads and buns galore. They sloshed it all down their gullets with desperate gulps of beer from piss-yellow Lites to diarrhea brown Draughts. It was a prescription for blast furnace bellies rivaling the sulfuric gas output of circus elephants. I was afraid lighting a match might have the same effect on BDT as a suicide bomber.

The sweating, human eating and drinking machines sandwiched into BDT were not so much conversing as screaming, pontificating on all matters large and small. I bumped, twisted and smiled my way through them to Bewk’s table all the time looking around for Marie Sanchez. Bewk was quick to point out “Her face is only belly high to most of these goons. Yer never gonna see her ‘less she just appears!” Was it that or could it be that she had watched Todd Solondz’s “Storytelling” DVD that I gave her weeks before?

Just then One Eyed Pete lurched through the crowd with his illegitimate teenage sons in tow. Timbo and Duke nodded and Pete slapped me on the back, “Hey Jihad, you’re makin’ me mad!” Then he started laughing and coughing at his own alliterative joke. It was the sound of happy death. I congratulated him and his sons on their hilarious BDT performance on September 11th *. “It was genius!” I exclaimed. Timbo piped up “Ya, well a couple a guys waitin’ in the parkin’ lot didn’t think so. They tried to kick my daddy’s ass for wearin’ that rubber Osama Bin Laden mask but when me and Duke seen ‘em we rushed ‘em and scared ‘em off. They didn’t have guns or nuthin’ so they was pretty stupid”.

Right. Guns don’t argue as we saw in Pennsylvania a few days ago with the devoutly religious Amish gentleman, Charles C. Roberts, who went about realizing his dreams of molesting young girls. He had the lube ready but then he just had to kill the little hussies being the spiritual person that he was. It was his own personal Jihad.

Much more amusing is the ongoing “scandal” with Republican House member, Mark Foley. He’s a garden variety Wicked Uncle Ernie in the digital age. Ironically he happens to be the chairman of the Missing and Exploited Children’s Caucus. Nothing like the fox guarding the henhouse. Also, he’s devoutly religious having been abused by a gay clergyman as a teenager. Anyone sense a pattern here?

Bewk, who was extra belligerent having just broken up with his girlfriend, Taddy, had plenty to say about the Foley mess between mugs of Miller Lite. “Hell, wuts the big deal? Every kid I know that was half way a teenage stud had some perv hittin’ on him when I was in school. Ain’t nuthin’ changed. All ya gotta do iz wut wimmin do, reject the sorry bastard less yur into it! Haw, Haw, Haw, Haw, Haw!” Pete and his sons added layers of laughter on top.

Just then Cleve showed up with his wife, Missy. “Wuts so funny, dudes?” I explained to Cleve that Bewk had just commented on the Foley e-mail scandal. Cleve went off! “Jezzuz, that one little Page sounded like he was eggin’ Foley on with no intention of puttin’ out. Jus wanted free dinners and shit! Juz like a girl!” Missy elbowed Cleve in a feminist moment. Cleve reacted. “Hey, watch it, baby! You know wut I mean! Nuthin’ happened between that little 16 year-old queen and the honorable Representative. No makin’ out. No penetrashun! No harm , no foul! Wuts them parents pimpin’ their minors out to them Congressmen for in the first place? Wut do they expect? Them guys ain’t makin’ a lot of scratch so they’re goin’ for the perks! Haw, Haw, Haw, Haw, Haw.” Laughter all around except for Missy and me.


“That’s disgustin’” Missy lectured. “The family wanted it kept quiet to protect their son but the media doesn’t care who it destroys to get a prurient story. I mean, these kids can’t even trust our elected officials anymore!” “Better they learn young!” retorted Pete. An explosion of laughter followed. Mine was a big part of it.

Later the crowd dwindled to the hard core willing to negotiate piles of vomit and sawdust on the beer-spattered floor or infidels just too shit-faced to stand up. That’s when Pete took the stage with Timbo and Duke. He did some Dylan covers before segueing into “Aging Flower Child”**. I really like that song. Then he announced that he was going to sing a new song that Timbo wrote called “West Virginia Boy”. With Timbo on drums and Duke on Jew’s Harp Pete strummed his Alvarez acoustic and belted out blues holler style:

West Virginia Boy
Where did your forehead go?
West Virginia Boy
Best turn your cap around

You got eyes too close
You got shit for brains
You got an ugly wife
You got a world “o” pain

West Virginia Boy
Best turn your life around.

Pete repeated the round a few times in a hillbilly mantra before he and his sons descended into a weird instrumental jam that sounded like a detuned, half-speed version of the theme from “Deliverance”. Missy wanted to dance but Cleve was way too intoxicated. Instead, she grabbed me and dragged me towards the vomit-filled dance floor. O my brothers, I danced and pranced carefully.

P.S. Marie was a no-show!


Sim Sala Bim


*(see Jihad Jerry’s Low Down on the Down Low - September 15th)
** (see Jihad Jerry’s Low Down on the Down Low - September 1st)

JIHAD JERRY'S WEEKLY LOW DOWN ON THE DOWN LOW - SEPTEMBER 29TH

O my brothers, I'm still reeling from my week at the U.N. in NYC last week. Such doses of filth leave me in a stupor. I'm traveling to Brain Dead Tavern near Lubbock Texas this weekend and will attend their annual October Beer Fest beginning Monday, October 2nd. That experience will yield a Horn of Plenty for my Weekly Low Down.

In the mean time I was fortunate enough to witness a feature film that proves a moving picture is worth a million words, Jihad Jerry's or anyone else's included.

YOU MUST SEE THIS FILM BEFORE THE CORPORATE GATEKEEPERS AND MARKETEERS BURY IT ONCE AND FOR ALL.

The film is entitled "IDEOCRACY". Mike Judge of Beavis and Butthead fame is the author. He is one funny infidel. He nails the collective Western cultural death wish with his feature length cinematic weapon aimed at Jihad Jerry's unholy war on stupidity. His movie is a darkly comic treatise on why that war is indeed so futile. Fox studios did their best to prevent its release but Mr. Judge prevailed just enough to prove that the film indeed exists.

SEE IT NOW! SEE IT TWICE!

JIHAD JERRY'S WEEKLY LOW DOWN ON THE DOWN LOW - SEPTEMBER 22

Why don't you infidels understand we are at war and nothing is funny!? Here's one for you: "How about those United Nations?" United in hatred and distrust of one another that is.

As the U.N. conference got underway this week the clown show kept kicking it hard and the bad humor spilled forth. El Popo, a real right-wing , "Christian" fossil was tone deaf enough to quote a Medieval text critical of Islam, condemning the prophet Mohammed for advocating violence in order to spread his faith. The Muslims, not known for their sense of humor, took offense to what they considered unfounded criticism by staging violent protests, torching Christian churches and calling for the Pope's head. El Popo "apologized" when really all he had to say is "case in point". Pathetic! Can anyone even prove their god exists much less condones killing? Oh well.

Not to be upstaged by other Fundamentalists and 'men of faith" El Presidente Bush continued posturing and complaining like a mean, hillbilly grandpa - pouting because some military leaders and senators insisted on a debate over his prisoner torture plan. Bush quoted a kid he knew in grade school; "Well, if ya can't beat 'em ,join 'em. Torture me once, shame on you! Torture me twice and I'll do it too!"And then he really put his foot down here at the UN spitting out "no, I ain't gonna do it!" when asked by the press if he would talk with Iranian President Ahmadinejad during his visit. "W" knows the short guy might "trick" him with "words" being the silver-tongued, Axis of Evil, Iranian snake that he is.

Nothing is funny but even poor Jihad Jerry broke down and laughed at Venezuelan President Chavez's piece of podium theatre Wednesday night. Waving a hard copy of Noam Chomsky's latest book at the General Assembly he pronounced Bush to be the Devil Incarnate. The laughter in the hall was audible even on censored American TV. Apparently Chavez could still sniff a whiff of the Devil's sulphur trail 24 hours later. He must be a Sommelier! The media almost pooped in their broadcast pants, playing the Chavez clip over and over in the 24/7 brainwash news cycle. "Hey, he said it, not us! We report you decide!" If you were Chavez or Ahmadinejad staring up at the oil hungry, US Goliath wouldn't you want to join the nuclear club? Luckily Pakistan is in the club. That's the only reason "W" didn't make good on his post 9/11 threat to Musaraf. "Either you're with us or agin' us. It's your choice. Choose wrong and we'll bomb you back into the stone age! So, let's get in this hunt together!"

Meanwhile, in a concurrent development Popeye was forced to change the lyrics to his theme song after a nationwide e coli outbreak involving packaged, fresh spinach. So much for health food grown in polluted ground water. We've taken the proverbial shit in our collective backyard one too many times now and the spoils are coming home to roost. "My life's gonna finish cuz I eat my spinach, I'm Popeye the sailor man!"

The fear Machine will undoubtedly spin the spinach incident into a bio-terrorism scare. "Al Qaeda is takin' a dump on our farmlands! IET's (Improvised Explosive Turds). What can YOU do? Next on Fox News."

JIHAD JERRY'S WEEKLY LOW DOWN ON THE DOWN LOW - SEPTEMBER 15TH

This was one pendulous week! Beginning with the maudlin 5-year, 9/11 anniversary remembrances and moving on to the ritual slaying of masses of Stingrays presumably to avenge the death of Croc' hunter, Steve Irwin, there was more than ample proof that the tyranny of bilateral life forms may soon end after all.

That was definitely the overwhelming sentiment at the Brain Dead Tavern outside of Lubbock Texas last Monday night. The place was packed for the Monday Night Football doubleheader and no one wanted to hear about 9/11. Like Tony Montana, political prisoner with his O.D. on octopus, the BDT crowd had had it "up to here!" with 9/11 talk.

Bewk bottom-lined the situation for me. "I hate all the talkin' and waitin' on TV for the bit where the towers cum down and it looks just like all that demolition video ya see when them Italian guys bring down an old casino in Vegas. Hell, looks better that the best cumpewter graphics in "The Day After"! I ain't sayin' there was a cunspiracy or nothin' 'cuz that'd be hard to pull off without sumbudy rattin' sumbudy out sooner or later. Jis' the same, sure looked like them Italians coulda' done it!

Cleve nodded in agreement and raised a glass. "Ya gotta hand it to Bin Laden! He's a goddamn performance artist! Here's a guy livin' in a cave who probably screws through a hole in the sheet and he's able to tweak "W" and bring the most powerful, rich, military shit kickin' nation in the world to it's tremblin', scared-shitless knees so that the Pres takes away our freedum in the name of preservin' our way a life!" Everyone within earshot let out a collective round of hideously loud laughter.

In the short break between games I went in to the kitchen to find Maria. Remember, she hadn't talked to me since feeling that I had dissed her religious beliefs and ethnic pride weeks ago. Inspired by Tom Cruise I was going to apologize. Maria hung tough as I groveled next to her. Then, she lightened up when I handed her a gift-wrapped DVD of Todd Solondz' "Storytelling" saying "please, check this out and maybe you'll forgive me someday."

Soon after that the Chargers were ripping the Raiders the proverbial new sphincter. By half-time the BDT crowd was truly bored. That's when One-Eyed Pete surprised everyone with a routine that brought the house down. First, Timbo and Duke, his two illegitimate, teenage sons carried out a paper mache' wall prop made to look like the inside of a cave and put it at the back of the small stage in BDT. There were big, cardboard letters covered in gold glitter glued on to the wall that spelled out "JALLALBAD TONIGHT".

Timbo sat down at the house drum set and Duke stuck a CD in a portable player that was jacked in to the BDT house system. Timbo smacked out a drum roll and Duke pushed "play" sending out loud, canned applause to get all the drunken patrons' attention.

One Eyed Pete walked on stage in a white terrycloth robe, bathroom slippers and a full head, latex rubber Osama Bin Laden mask. He grabbed the house microphone.

Affecting a deep voice with a bad, Mid-Eastern accent he launched in to his impression of Osama as Johnny Carson doing his opening monologues on the Tonight Show. He raised his hands as if to "shush" the crowd, that is the one on CD. The BDT crowd was frozen in stunned silence.

"We have a great show for you tonight. Timbo and Duke have some bags of stones to pass out because later on we have an adulterous Nigerian woman for you to meet. We're going to let you stone her to death!"

Pete makes jokey stone throwing motions as Timbo hits a cymbal and Duke hits a laugh queue on the CD. Raunchy laughter blasts from the house PA. A beat later the football crowd kicks in with bemused laughter of their own. Pete continues his shtick.

"Allah forgive them! Nothing is funny"

Another canned laughter queue and a drum roll followed by a cymbal crash and the crowd is laughing for real!

"I was driving around your city of Dallas today. Boyyyyyy! What a beautiful skyline!!

Yet another queue of hideous laughter and the crowd at BDT starts laughing so hard it pays no attention to the second half kick-off. Pete is on a roll.

"You know, I must say, sometimes I forget why I hate you infidels so much. I was talking to a big-breasted blonde woman in the bar earlier. She said "Osama, you look so good in that Turban" . Just to test her I said, "I'd look better in your pussy!". She said, "let's go"!! It was disgusting!"

Now the real BDT laughter was drowning out the canned stuff on Duke's CD.

Pete: "Would anyone like to hear a knock knock joke I learned in America?

Pete gestures towards the crowd, imploring. Someone yells out, "f*kin' tell it, Osama!"

The crowd laughs. Pete motions for quiet.

"Ok! Ok then! Knock Knock."

The crowd gives their obligatory "Who's there?"

"Osama"

The crowd: "Osama Who?"

"Osama Bin Killin' all you honky muthaf*kas!!!"

The crowd erupts in belly laughs. Pete takes a Johnny Carson style golf swing and yells "Jihad!" Timbo snaps off a terse drum roll and a cymbal crash with a rim shot. Duke laughs like Ed McMahon and the BDT crowd completely looses it. I can't believe what I'm seeing and hearing here outside of Lubbock, Texas. I'm so caught up in the moment I begin to think that humor in post 9/11 America is alive and well after all.

With the laughter subsiding Pete continues.

"You're a great audience. Just to show my appreciation I've got a little something for you before we go to a commercial"

He whips out a manila envelope from under his terrycloth robe. He reaches in with a plastic room key and lifts out some white powder. He walks up to Bewk's girlfriend, Taddy.

"Here, take a hit"

Duke yells out "Whaaoo" like Ed McMahon as Taddy looks half-tempted to go for it. The crowd titters and watches.

"Snort, Honey!" orders Bewk.

Taddy grins stupidly, snorts and snaps back disgusted nearly falling off her chair. Just then Pete turns the envelope around. It reads "ANTHRAX" in big bold letters. He starts shoveling cardfuls of the white powder on the crowd as they scatter in panic. Bewk tackles Pete and knocks him to the ground. Timbo provides drum accompaniment to the altercation.

As Bewk wails on Pete muffled yelling comes from inside the Osama Bin Laden mask.

"Its Cornstarch! It's Cornstarch damn it!" Pete bellows. Bewk didn't seem to care. He was pissed on principle in our post 9/11 paranoia. Pete had gone too far.

Sims Salad Bim

JIHAD JERRY'S WEEKLY LOW DOWN ON THE DOWN LOW - SEPTEMBER 8TH

The miracle of nature manifest itself in a stab of karma this week when a frightened stingray struck a bullseye shot with a barb to the heart of a scuba-duba diving, Croc' hunting Aussie, Steve Irwin. His death was caught on video because that's the way it is in 2006.

You know the snuff footage will soon make its way to the net. I can hear a Disney-style voice over in the anthropomorphic tradition of that company's live action, family friendly, mid-century feature, "Charlie The Lonesome Cougar". Maybe Hollywood actor Sam Elliot could step up for the voice-over on this one:

"Lil' Sting was glidin' on the ocean's sandy bottom, just mindin' his own business and waitin' for mom to lay her eggs when big Steve Irwin and his flipper wearin' crew scared the bajezus outta him. Before Sting could even think some darn, involuntary motor response that his daddy had warned him about kicked in. His tail curled up, then shot straight like a harpoon in a single blink of his big blue fish eyes. The next thing Lil' Sting knew Steve yelled "Crikey!" in a bubbly, gurgling, underwater sort a way. Steve then yanked Sting's barb outta his achin' heart pronto but lil' Sting knew it was already too late from some other stuff his daddy had told him. He felt real bad since he'd seen Steve doin' his entertaining nature act on TV before. Sting didn't even have time to say "sorry" before Steve went to Crocodile Heaven. Next, Sting saw how hoppin' mad Steve's video crew got right away so he hightailed it outta there like a Stealth fighter jet after it drops its ordnance."

Well, functionally insane, Croc' huntin' TV star, Steve Irwin, died with his flippers on. It was an ironic, yet glorious way for a self-avowed, death defying nature-lover to go. Honorable and dignified in a Darwinian sort of way, his sudden extinction was even geographically close to the source of Darwin's studies that spawned the theory of evolution. At least Steve was a relatively harmless (well-meaning but misguided) warrior unlike another, less functioning psycho in Washington DC who is merely misguided and cynical to the core, posturing warrior-like while shaking in his boots.

If only evolution was more than a theory. I don't know about you but every time an elephant goes on a rampage or a chimp rips some trainer's nuts off, etc. I secretly cheer. Certainly to be a noble beast in harmony with nature confronted by menacing, command- yellin', whip-crackin', gun-totin' camera-snappin', video grabbin' humans must produce a primal state of justifiable rage sooner or later.

To all the other life forms that share this planet us humans most certainly all appear to be terrorists. We'd be hard-pressed to prove our innocence in a Kangaroo Court. "What we have here your honor is a species who eats, pisses, shits, vomits, kills and breeds indiscriminately, destroying all in its path while soothing its collective conscience with lofty words and artworks of questionable value."

By the way, why is it called a Kangaroo Court when justice is not served? Call it what it is, Man's Court!

Previous to my next weekly missive we will have re-lived 9/11 minute by minute courtesy of CNN with their real time, re-broadcast of that Dada day. Will it re-stoke fear-based, patriotic outrage towards Osama the Bogey Man or expose the Animal Farm-like brainwashing of a culture that voluntarily gave up its own liberty to a government sworn to protect that liberty in return for that government's false promise of "security". In the "How Low Can You Go?" , double-think political game I'm confident that my basket of filth from Washington will be overflowing.

Until next week (the week of Jihad Jerry's "Mine is Not a Holy War" CD release) when I come to you from the Brain Dead Tavern with a blow by blow,

Sims Salad BIam

JIHAD JERRY CHALLENGES STEPHEN COLBERT AND HIS SO-CALLED "COLBERT REPORT" BECAUSE WE ARE AT WAR AND NOTHING IS FUNNY!

Stephen Colbert is an apologist for the regime! As noted in my "Jihad Jerry's Low Down on the Down Low" for the week of July 16th at mineisnotaholywar.com, by being the most humorous, infidel satirist in America Stephen's character on Comedy Central gives aide and comfort to the current administration and the horror of their hideous abuse of power. I dare him to meet me face to face.

It's bad enough that Mr. Colbert tricked all the cut and run liberals with his masterful performance at the Foreign Press Correspondents' Dinner at the White House where it appeared he delivered a dagger to the heart of the otherwise heartless "W" and the heartless hearts of his cohorts. Even poor Jihad Jerry was momentarily fooled into thinking Stephen (the man) was a modern day Trojan Horse, not at all the character he plays on The Colbert Report. In the next instant I realized it was a conspiracy between he and the White House to create a cloud of unimpeachable credibility for an entertainer who is in fact a double agent! Pay no attention to the character behind the curtain!

Mr. Colbert's uncanny ability to cause a collective release of laughter by those well-educated, well-meaning viewers who should know better but don't allows the them to stick their heads in the sand as they witness the end of Democracy. Repeatedly Jihad Jerry has offered to debate Mr. Colbert (the character) just as Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has offered to debate President Bush (the moron). Repeatedly Mr. Colbert has run from the challenge for similar reasons to our fearless leader. Stephen does not want to be exposed for having his cake and eating too!

As a comic who makes money putting band aides on the puss-filled psyches of freedom-loving victims Stephen can't handle the truth - in our All War All the Time world NOTHING IS FUNNY! Meet me in OPEN DEBATE, COLBERT! I wear my Turban not to hide from Justice but to perform it! Let's find out! WHAT'S SO FUNNY? As a test, watch the video to my sonic weapon "Army Girls Gone Wild". If you laugh you are a fool!

JIHAD JERRY'S WEEKLY LOW DOWN ON THE DOWN LOW - 9/1/06

One-Eyed Pete flaked! I guess this should come as no surprise to me knowing One-Eyed Pete. It's as silly as being surprised that "W" mangles syntax and meaning when speaking at a press conference.

If you remember my last week's Low Down on the Down Low I visited Bewk, Cleve, and the crew at Brain Dead Tavern outside of Lubbock, Texas. Pete promised to give me an audio recording of his sad ballad entitled "Aging Flower Child" about the 59-year-old woman who's in jail for urinating in the aisle of a commercial airliner in protest for being forced to stay in her seat despite being severely claustrophobic. I intended to post the recording for all of you, O my Brothers. Well, I guess we'll have to wait.

However, Pete did manage to scrawl some of the lyrics on a bar napkin. As a consolation prize here they are:

Aging Flower Child let your Golden Shower flow.
Flow on down the aisle so all the passengers may know
how your poor heart weeps 'cause freedom isn't free
in a world where you're in prison
just because you had to pee.
In gentler times perhaps there'd be some empathy
for your claustrophobia
and your loss of liberty.

Bewk heard Pete play the song on acoustic guitar and claims it's an early Bob Dylan rip-off. Is that so bad? It seems early Dylan (as opposed to later Dylan) is what you should rip-off if you're ripping-off Dylan in a music landscape where every song you hear is a direct rip-off of some 60's, 70's, or 80's luminary. If Pete doesn't come through with his promise perhaps some of you readers could send your own version of the song to Jihad Jerry and I'll post the best ones. I'll even send you an autographed JJ CD and a T-shirt!

Now, put that Jihad Jerry and the Evildoers T-shirt on with a pair of GIT MO' (P-Diddy's new action wear label) track pants, flip flops and CLEAN UNDERWEAR, then get ready for that secondary cavity search at your local airport where TSA tactics are exploding with new ideas and technology. My favorite program is the one inspired by Dr. Paul Ekman, a professor at San Francisco State University in the mid-1960 who developed a behavioral profiling system, FACS (Facial Action Coding System) based on facial muscle movements that supposedly betray states of mind and, thus, potential criminal behavior.

Even though Eckman himself concluded that the use of such observation yields a result slightly better than chance (55%-45%) TSA screeners are being "trained" to use a simplified version. Considering the average IQ of TSA workers must be shy of 100 points, which is less than half of their average weight in pounds and almost twice as much as their average height in inches, it's a truly frightening Brave New Pinhead World scenario. Various American newspapers re-printed the Doctor's photo references depicting a subject displaying various facial features that end in a full-on cavity search and/or arrest for "suspicious" behavior. The expressions include genius categories such as "Sadness," "Disgust," "Anxiety," "Confusion," and "Anger" - all of which any sane person with a normal IQ will experience when subjected to the routine, random humiliation of the modern-day traveler.

Basically the FACS based program gives subhuman TSA screeners cart blanche to harass anyone towards who they take a dislike. Once they single out and approach their prey they ask a series of inane questions like "anything good in the paper today?" while making intense eye contact. I was targeted at the Houston airport on my last trip to Brain Dead Tavern. I don't know whether it was my Jihad Jerry Turban or my copy of the New York Times that tipped them off but I was very glad I'd had a colonic the day before.

The simple truth is the government is acutely aware that these tactics are bogus and will not stop any "perp" who is sufficiently motivated. Officials have admitted that the ludicrous new carry-on policy has in fact increased danger by causing a glut of unscreened, checked luggage chalked full of dangerous liquids, lighters, potential, I-pod detonators, etc better routed out on a routine carry-on baggage search. The true purpose of the airport security policies is to subject masses of people to Police State-style control. It's working well. The sheep are adapting nicely. Standing in long lines, treated like prisoners, blindly obeying any arbitrary command, believing in the a priori guilt of any fellow traveler they see hauled away, they smile as Cable ENG crews approach them, bleating out like pod people "if this keeps us safe from Terrorists then I'll endure it gladly". I think the most terrifying thing in the world is being judged by a TSA screener four feet wide, four feet tall, an IQ of 90, making $6.75 an hour who hates you because you're going to Hawaii and they're going home at the end of their shift.

O my Brothers, long gone are the glory days when travelers cheered OJ as he ran through the airport hurdling luggage and rope lines for the glory of Hertz. And speaking of OJ it seems Polygamist Warren Jeffs aped a page from OJ's playbook with wigs, cash and cell phones stashed in his RED Escalade. I guess he felt guilty about having so many ladies because he certainly was asking for it by traveling outside of Vegas in a RED Escalade with no license plates. His own religion for which he is a considered a prophet forbids the use of, or the wearing of, the color RED! Another "man of faith" disgraced. Shocking!

Finally Donald Rumsfeld gets kudos for continuing to attempt to trump Dr. Strangelove. He reached deep into Joe McCarthy's playbook with his claim that anyone who is against the Iraq War is as bad as those people who attempted to appease Hitler prior to World War Two. To quote the Donald "they just don't understand Fascism". Jihad Jerry begs to differ. Fascism is everywhere and Donald's statement is proof that it starts right here at home. Anyone who's honest will agree.

Sims Salad Bam

JIHAD JERRY'S WEEKLY LOW DOWN ON THE DOWN LOW FOR THE WEEK OF AUGUST 11TH

Wow! Liquid explosives and Al Qaeda! (Wasn't he a 1970's sports commentator?) 12 years after "Bodinka" when nothing happened in a pre-9/11 liquid explosive plot we're finally battening down the hatches. "It's hard out there bein' a pimp" but here's a tip you Islamic militant morons. Remember the film "Maria Full of Grace"? How about "Osama full of Gas"? Just swallow balloons full of pre-mixed liquid explosive, pimp cool through TSA security (no x-ray body scans as of yet - money problems with "de war in Iraq"), take your assigned seat and post lift-off, light a fart in the restroom. Boom! The very next day Bush, Blair and Chertoff will decide to remove all restrooms from all commercial aircraft claiming, "Islamic Fascists want you to mess your pants". That's the way freedom works nowadays. What the Fundamentalist Muslims don't take away our own, over-reactive, Anti-Democratic, Fundamentalist Christian government takes away in the name of preserving freedom. On Fox News the crawl proclaims "The Cost Of Freedom". Q: Do you know what the cost of freedom is? A: Your Freedom! Al Qaeda pranksters watch and laugh while Infidels do their work for them!

Meanwhile just two days after the water, shampoo, Cortisone creame, Contact lens cleaner, lipstick, etc. ban the worst kind of incident occurred on a flight from Shanghai to Auckland, New Zealand. It didn't make the news stateside. A man with a colostomy bag ate some peanuts on the flight and proceeded to have a gas attack. His bag blew and an armed, federal airline agent 3 rows behind him jumped up and "popped a cap in his head" with a bull's eye shot to the base of the neck. The man came and exploded excrement simultaneously, filling the plane with a pungent stench before dying in the aisle. Horrified passengers scattered in panic. Order was eventually restored and all passengers were offered a free alcoholic beverage of their choice! Some passengers asked for water but instead but were denied.

The All War All the Time program seems to be working for Bush and crew despite pacifist wimp Democrats who have the audacity to critically distinguish between macho folly like the war in Iraq and real sources of Terror. The Fear Machine won't tolerate that kind of weak-minded analysis interfering with their Hysteria Furnace. "Put another coal on the fire, Dick!" The timing of the liquid explosive story was certainly no co-incidence. It diverted attention from the pre-truce, pumped up, US-supported Israeli ground offensive/water and land grab. It also bolstered the cynical Administration claim that Lieberman's primary defeat came at the hands of Democrats who were giving "aid and comfort to our enemies" and made brain dead Bush seem like he was "all over it" for cutting his vacation short - a pretty good start to week 201 in our Evildoers Crusade.

But then came the Jon Benet Ramsey murder bomb. Forget death and destruction and suffering and pain in the Mid-east barroom brawl. John M. Karr is what our fast food nation needs to feed its collective, polluted, tabloid psyche. This slight, area 51-twinged man-child is right out of a cheesy M. Night Shyamalan plot. In fact in M. Night's movie he IS Jon Benet Ramsey re-incarnated, here to deliver a false confession so that he can get world attention and then finger the real killer, Patsy Ramsey. Look closely at his eyes and hands and imagine some red lipstick, a star-spangled cowboy hat and a kiddy porn beauty contest. This story is just beginning. Mr. Karr explains how Patsy caught him (Jon Benet) and her dad having incestuous release. Jon Benet taunts mom, "he wants me because you're a big drag!" Mom goes ape and wastes Jon Benet. Then comes the Mexican standoff, or the John Woo moment when adversaries are locked in a double, gun-to-the-head death dance. Mr. Ramsey helps Patsy cover-up because, otherwise, she'll out him as a child molester. As Kurtz would exclaim in "Apocalypse Now", "the horror, the horror!" Is there any species more perverted than Homo Erectus?

Sims Salad Bam

JIHAD JERRY'S WEEKLY LOW DOWN ON THE DOWN LOW - The Mel Gibson Edition

This past week, as the world motored mindlessly toward Armageddon, I caution you O my Brothers not to get ahead of yourselves. The astute Fundamentalists among you may remember that there are a couple of preliminary pit stops before the big finale. One is the Rapture, so called because all the infidels who have reconciled with their God are beamed up to Heaven where they get box seats for the inevitable annihilation spectacle. Judging from Mel Gibson's recent fate the Rapture is a ways off.


Poor Mel; eventually the truth will come out. His drunken rant was completely taken out of context by the clever Jewish policeman, Officer Mee. When Mel referred to Jews starting all the wars he was talking about movie studio wars in Hollywood where each studio executive tries to release competing genre pictures ahead of the others. It's a subject he knows all too well. As far as "owning Malibu" he was pointing toward the back seat of his car at his 9-year-old Golden Retriever, Malibu. Well, the man who angered the ruling class with "The Passion of the Christ" is now going to find out who DOES own Malibu! In six months he'll be a regular salad tossing pro. Let me set the record straight, Mel. It's the Italians that start all the real wars. Having said that I'm prepared for the IDL's vicious personal attacks.

Forgive my silliness, Allah. I must remember - post 9/11 NOTHING IS FUNNY. A belly dancer in Queens, NY who e-mailed me in a suicidal state on 9/12/01 just happened to e-mail back my same day reply to her. She wanted to know if I still stood by what I said. I reprint it below, 5 years after the fact, for your scrutiny. I want to know what you think. Was I off base? Was I guilty of a pre-9/11 mindset? I report, you decide.

This attack was inevitable. Even without an evil, right wing, menial, mean-spirited, posturing president and his retro band of neo-con hawks making frightening pronouncements and thus destabilizing an already polarized world full of crazy, ideologically and religiously driven, suffering have-nots surprise attacks against American symbols of Global Capitalism were comin' round the mountain. The real "tragedy" here is that the sons and daughters of privileged, educated, spoiled US consumers hiding in their SUV gashogs will probably fail to understand that the enemy is not a place on a map or a man in a Turban but rather the human mind itself, or lack there of. This new war is a war of ideas about the human's place in the big scheme of things. I'm certainly no fan of fundamentalist Muslims, but then I'm no fan of fundamentalist Jews or Christians either. I have a dream where they leave all reasonable, rational people alone and proceed to wipe each other out. Short of that dream coming true we're stuck with them. And since we're stuck with them and we're rich and powerful without equal on this planet, then we should lead by example. If we say our way of life is more free and more humane then we should BE more free and more humane, not cede the moral high ground that our current cynical leadership seems all too ready to give up.

It means not causing China to build up its nuclear arsenal, thereby starting an arms race with India and Pakistan. It means not telling our fledgling ally, Russia, that we're going to break the ABM treaty and they can "like it or lump it'. It means not telling the whacked out Palestinians that they'll have to fend for themselves in their struggle for independence while we supply high-tech weapons and tons of money to Israel. These wretched, brainwashed souls can only take so many doses of consumer excess and Western hypocrisy before they snap big time. Wait till Iran or North Korea gets the BOMB. Then you won't have to think about suicide."

There you have it O my Brothers! I can tell you my belly dancer is still alive. Just like Homeland Security her threatened suicide was just a lot of talk. When I read my reply now in hindsight I smirk at my naiveté. Our fearless leaders did it all on purpose. They knew these are end times and they were going for the gusto, getting first dibs. While denying Global Warming they were fully aware of all the dire doomsday environmental info that is just coming to light for us poor unwashed masses. The Mideast? North Korea? Anti-Semitic Mel? Forget it! Small Potatoes! Next week I'll introduce you to the 800-pound Gorilla - a venomous weed known as "Lyngbya Majuscula".

JIHAD JERRY'S WEEKLY LOW DOWN ON THE DOWN LOW FOR THE WEEK OF JULY 23rd

O My Brothers! How about that Mid-east peace process?! It's moving right along in a way only Arabs and Israelis could imagine. As Secretary of State Cundalini Ice likes to repeat, "Israel has a right to defend herself". It's a concept of self-defense that poor Jihad Jerry never learned growing up. Had I figured it out earlier there would have been an endless pile of corpses by now. If a kid picked on me at school I'd just kill his whole family. In fact, if I heard that he wanted to beat my ass from a third party then I'd just kill him and his whole family right away and anybody else on the block who came out to see what was happening. Next, I would kill the messenger because obviously he talked to the kid in the first place. Then I would be exonerated on the self-defense argument.

Please don't think I'm defending the psycho actions of Hezbollah. No way. The Arab/ Israeli conflict in Lebanon, as of that in Gaza, stems from a four thousand year-old hatred and counting. It's the pot calling the kettle black over and over again. The only parallel I can think of in Western culture is the hillbilly conflict between the two feuding clans, The Hatfields and The McCoys. Generation after generation they fought over the same property line dispute, killing each other off. The death count there was a virtual tie however, not 10 to 1 casualties as we see between Arabs and Israelis respectively. That's asymmetrical warfare for you.

Both sides act like petulant, warring siblings; "Mommy, he hit me first!" "Yeah, but he made fun of me and pinched my ear yesterday!" "Well, he peed in my Fruit Loops last week!" and so on. Jihad Jerry would like to bring them to the table, calmly explain how they are irrational and out of control, then bitch slap them both for a while and send them to their rooms because THE TAIL HAS WAGGED THE DOG LONG ENOUGH!

The Fundamentalist fervor has spread all the way to Tinseltown. A powerful movie studio chairman who drives a 250K Aston Martin is flying the Israeli flag from his side window in a show of solidarity as are many other Jewish Americans. He has openly complained about the US's lack of support for Israel's "self-defense" offensive. Am I missing something here? Didn't Cundolini just reassure Israel they could continue their open hunting season and confirm that a new shipment of missiles is on the way? It's Christmas in July! O, sorry, wrong holiday. By the way, give Israel their soldiers back you Jihadist morons! Simple!

Shit storms of bad news at home and abroad are enough to bring even the most oblivious person down. I know it sent me back to the Brain Dead Tavern outside of Lubbock, Texas looking for a double shot of Maker's Mark on the rocks. Yes, Jihad drinks! It's part of my unholy war training. Predictably, Cleve and his cousin Bewk were there and so was Maria but she won't talk to me. Re-read my Week of the 9th blog and you'll know why.

Cleve was half way to oblivion and couldn't stop laughing about the Mid-East situation. He said he hadn't laughed so hard since his last trip to Disneyland where he experienced the night's closing extravaganza known as Phantazma. For more than 20 minutes the crowd is mesmerized by lighting tricks, bombastic music, fireworks, film projection and adults singing and dancing inside full head and body suits of Disney cartoon characters.

The "plot" of Phantazma is driven by Mickey Mouse's dream of mass harmony but the evil Queen from Snow White invades his mind and induces a nightmare. After pirates and monkeys dance on ships and barges floating on the man made "river" Mickey fights the queen's evil force and triumphs. Cleve says we know Mickey has won because the 1890's style Riverboat appears magically with a cast full of singing, dancing adults costumed to look as if they just emerged from the turn of the century ice cream parlor on Main Street USA. It's enough to make Jerry Falwell orgasm. To me it sounds like a homegrown version of Mao's stadium spectacle, "Sunflowers Turn Toward the Sun", that was a big hit in Beijing in the 60's.

Of course I had to ask Cleve what the connection was between Disneyland and the Mid-East situation. He laughed as he talked. "Pinhead Fantasy, man!" It's all one big pinhead fantasy, ya know? Condi saying that the slaughter in Lebanon is "the birth pangs of democracy" and promoting "creative chaos" as a tonic for the reejun? Haw, Haw, Haw! And that Iraqi president? He must' a seen Pinocchio or sumpthin' cause he forgot to be a good puppet over here in Congress when he wuz criticizing "W''s puzzishuns on stuff! I got no strings!!! Haw, Haw, Haw! Thinks he's really the president!! Haw, Haw, Haw!!!

I started to laugh with him. His sub-human charm is as infectious as Calamity Jane's character on "Deadwood" (Although most of the time I feel more like Al Swearengen). As I laughed I noticed that Bewk had never cracked a smile once during Cleve's monologue. "What's wrong, Bewk?" He just shook his head and looked down at the sawdust-covered floor. Spewing beer from his mouth Cleve excitedly explained. "He just saw on CNN that Lance Bass from 'N Sync came out and said he was gay!"

If it's not illegal aliens you can count on homophobe news items to distract the masses from the significance of the current heartless slaughter and orgy of filth. Tony Blair proved to be a good puppet who knows what strings are as he hopped over to D.C. to articulate our duplicitous position in the mid east as our idiot king stood by nodding in agreement. Enjoy your meaningless freedom in our increasingly Orwellian Corporate Feudal State O my Brothers! If you can't stand the heat go to Mars.

In closing let it not be said that Jihad Jerry is a negative man. I was very gratified to see that the infidel M. Night Shyalaman's latest schlock voodoo effort, "Lady in the Water" has become "Movie in the Toilet". Sim Sala Bim.

JIHAD JERRY'S WEEKLY LOW DOWN ON THE DOWN LOW FOR THE WEEK OF JULY 16TH

As Fundamentalists and ideologues of every stripe danced a jig last week at the escalating velocity of Armageddon brought to us courtesy of events in Israel, Palestine, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq and North Korea the packaged 24/7 dis-information campaign known as Cable News brought us a touching distraction - the Miracle of Birth!

A 9-year-old girl gave birth in the Rain Forest. She had Pneumonia and Malaria and was dying of starvation. The chirpy female news anchor on Fox News floated the possibility of foul play. Gee, do you think? Or was it just love at first sight? Where's the miracle here?

Also, a 21-year-old in Utah didn't know she was pregnant until her baby "pooped" out in the Walmart restroom she was using and, finally, a 63-year-old woman in England gave birth to a baby boy. (Fertility drugs really do work!) Her 39 year-old "hubby" caught the birth on videotape. It's now on the Internet but I'll pass.

I talked about this past week's pattern of freak births and regional gas and propane explosions with some of the regulars at Brain Dead Tavern outside of Lubbock Texas. The patrons had a lot to say. Cleve thought the girl in the Rain Forest was probably "askin' for it 'cause they run around naked down there". Cleve's cousin Bewk smirked and wiggled his eyebrows and pumped his fist saying that he'd love to date that girl in Utah if she's single. Its logic like that that makes me pray for atomic deliverance. We're all guilty here.

Oddly enough no one at BDT saw any connection between this spate of bizarre births and explosions except Maria, a waitress. She said it was truly a miracle that these things happened all in one week and that it was a sign from God that we are in End Times. When I joked that she was creating meaning to make her dead-end life seem special she cursed at me in Spanish and disappeared behind the bar.

Jihad Jerry's sense of humor is often misunderstood. I made a joke recently on my site that my song, "The Time Is Now" was bait to "out" cut and run liberals who believe global warming is real. Unfortunately some prominent liberal talk show host didn't get the humor and got very upset.

Nothing is funny now that our own Christian Fundamentalist administration has adopted the same tactics of instilling fear and terror as their Jihadist Muslim enemy. It's a great case in point for my continuing unholy war against mass stupidity. We have insane, stupid people with lots of power running the planet. I can't think of anything more terrifying than that.

So, Global Warming is real! It's just a fact of science at this point. As Nelly prophesized "It's getting' hot in here, so take off all yo clothes"! But, as Stephen Colbert deftly nailed at his talk in front of the Foreign Press Correspondent's dinner not 12 feet away from "W", no one cares about real information anymore. Believers live and die by their "gut".

Why are we still debating evolution? If Creationism must be taught in schools along side Evolution then I submit that the curriculum must include De-evolution also. That "theory" of man descending from psychotic, brain-eating apes is the only explanation for the current state of the union.

Sometimes there aren't 2 sides to an issue (maybe more like 20 or 30). Sometimes there are no sides - people can be just plain wrong. Period. As in the case of abortion - there is no issue. Go ahead and breed like rabbits if you want, just don't legislate morality so that I have to do it too. Leave us alone! The planet is overpopulated with helpless, starving infants as it is without forcing people to mindlessly contribute further pain and suffering on innocents.

That gets to the guiding principle O My Brothers. We are born to work, suffer and die with maybe a little pinch of fun and coming here and there before the big sleep. We don't need world leaders whose policies and ideology increase the already ever-present pain. Unless they are actively attempting to make our collective plight better by deflating that mass pain they need to go. Now! Now is the Time! Sim Sala Bim.

Wow! As I've said in the past, artists are usually good-looking guys and gals who couldn't hold a real job. But politicians are simply creeps! I re-read my last week's "blog" and like any creative person I was proud of my own prescient "poo poo". But this week's events trump the last by far: Bush pushing non-existent WMD in 2003 using poor "Colin Bowel" at the U.N. dog and pony show - 400 Billion and counting! Rummy promising the exploited, mercenary U.S. Army underclass with no options some state-of-the-art body armor in 2004 - 200 Million plus. Blair trying to communicate with a buttered breakfast roll chewing Bush at a photo op at the G8 Summit - Priceless!

I know it's always easy dissing Turban wearing guys who live in the 12th century and still want to "get it on" through a hole in the sheet, but come on my Brothers! Here's the leader of the free world, seemingly inconvenienced by having to do what world leaders do, offering up a front porch, Mississippi afternoon, redneck solution to a 4 thousand year- old problem in less than 10 seconds culminating in the phrase "and that shit will end"!

This is brilliant! It could be Fred Durst on stage at Lollapalooza 99 ("Who wants to start some shit"?) or "Fiddy Cent", ("That shit ain't right!") but it's our President for god's sake! Not some sub-human entertainer! I don't care if you believe that frozen, unfertilized embryos are really human life as "W" does (although that's like believing Mr. Softee could conceive). But, you have to be scared by our humiliating loss of credibility on the world stage. This is NO GOOD for ANYBODY! Teresa Heinz Kerry could not have been more embarrassing had she become the First Lady on Thorazine.
As the bombs and missiles fall in Lebanon and Israel I couldn't help but pick up an old script I was sent just 1 month before 9/11 by a 19 year-old Muslim film student from Tehran named Samir Mecchi. It was his graduate project and, like most great ideas, it will never see the light of day. Here's the plot.

Radical Jihads kidnap Russell Crow for real and threaten to cut off his "pee pee" unless Samir is allowed to come to Hollywood and make his movie with the co-operation of major Hollywood, A-list stars. He gives them a long list since he's aware of availability problems. Although it's confirmed by the state department that Russell Crow has really been kidnapped Hollywood is dismissive - until the top third of Crow's "pee pee" arrives in formalgahyde.

Right way the top Hollywood agents and stars hop to it, co-operating with the US government, privately grumbling all the way, to no bank by the way. Samir and his handlers are clever like Rupert Pumpkin in " The King of Comedy". They will not release Russell Crow until there has been a major Hollywood premiere and Samir and his producer are returned to safety.

It's a hilarious movie within a movie where the opening scene starring Alec Baldwin, Ron Silvers and Tom Cruise as two CAA agents and a major producer respectively have breakfast at the Hermitage Hotel. While grousing about the movie they are being forced to make they argue about the relative merits of the Cadillac Escalade versus the Lincoln Navigator for a real time 20 minutes while they incidentally abuse the wait staff and argue with unseen wives and underlings on their cell phones. It's excruciatingly tedious only because it's so painfully accurate and action-packed. The film wraps and Samir goes free.

We see numerous "E" True Hollywood Story -type TV coverage that alludes to Russell Crow's "disfigurement". Amid swirling rumors the top Hollywood execs talk privately about his "career ending" bad luck. Russell Crow is forced to play himself in the movie within a movie where he really has been a victim of Muslim "Lorena Bobbitt". Everyone treats him like a "Special Olympics" star. The working title of this film O my Brothers? "Pichon de Lalande".

Low Down on the Down Low - Blogging De-Evolution

Is poor Jihad Jerry really being reduced to blogging? It used to be blah, blah, blah. Nothing has changed. Lots of words! Humans blowing it out their collective blow holes. Well, go ahead and blow like a whale! Who cares? Earth is now the Titanic and we're all going down with the ship! This time it's not an iceberg doing us in - quite the opposite. We did it to ourselves! What's sinking the ship is the weight from massive amounts of diarrhea from the human mind itself.That's why it's hideously hilarious to watch the various Earth Tribes go at each other tooth and nail, rocket and I.E.D. There's no first class this time around, only steerage. And yet we have two Semitic tribes who have hated each other for four thousand years and counting ready to annihilate each other over who wipes their butt with a left hand. Back in the "Homeland" (a term Der Fuhrer was partial towards) we have a similar "faith-based" situation with Christian Fundamentalists protecting us all from a miniscule populace of same-sex monogamists who want the same right to state-monitored sex and consequences as the sorry heterosexual souls who live and die by their attempts at bonding. It's a beautiful world indeed.On that beautiful world front we have Kim Jong Il, a real stand up comic captured precisely by Trey Parker and Matt Stone in "Team America - World Police" (The most underrated comedy in 40 years), shooting missiles into the sea like a guy on blow with half a hard on. Notice the names of the missiles: Short Range - NO DONG; Mid Range - TYPO -DONG; and the Long Range DOUBLE DONG. Need I say more?All that's missing here is what we need the most. The big picture! Call me an optimist but I don't believe everyone is as menial, mean-spirited and stupid as Karl Rove, Ann Coulter, "W", and Joe Liebermann think they are (Believe me, the Democrats are just Republican Lite) . Am I right? Let me know, please! If I'm wrong then we are doomed to an endless parade of 24/7 news cycles featuring the 5 -inch piece of foam jettisoned from the Shuttle's solid rocket booster. People! We landed on the moon 37 years ago! That was not filmed on a sound stage! As Devo maintains, "de-evolution is real"!Jihad Jerry offers himself as a solution. All of you groovy, fear-driven, humorless, soulless, hate-filled, self-congratulatory, gas -guzzlin' patriots out there fresh from a four-day weekend of mad cow madness rise up and give me your pain! Shoot me your hate! I can take it. Just like the Knutu woman that saved Captain Kirk from certain death at her own expense, let me absorb your venom so you can move on and move up from the rut you're in - the rut that is swallowing everyone.OH, yeah, why do you think Steven Hawking, speaking with his robot computer voice last week in Beijing,, warned that we only have ten years to devise a concrete plan to leave Earth if we want to sustain human life in the Universe? Hint: Not because he supports "W's" environmental policies. The dark side of human nature is driving the boat and saltpeter-voiced Celine Dion is warbling as we sink.

Jihad Jerry's First Weekly Low Down on the Down Low

Jihad Jerry is here to put the "Fun" in Fundamentalism. Fundamentalists are way too serious when it comes to their beliefs. Beliefs kill what the higher brain has to offer us. My songs point and laugh. They are my weapons of choice and they're aimed at all who deserve them. Remember, mine is NOT a holy war. The tail has wagged the dog of humanity long enough. Jihad jerry loves non-believers.