JIHAD JERRY'S WEEKLY LOW DOWN ON THE DOWN LOW - 9/1/06

One-Eyed Pete flaked! I guess this should come as no surprise to me knowing One-Eyed Pete. It's as silly as being surprised that "W" mangles syntax and meaning when speaking at a press conference.

If you remember my last week's Low Down on the Down Low I visited Bewk, Cleve, and the crew at Brain Dead Tavern outside of Lubbock, Texas. Pete promised to give me an audio recording of his sad ballad entitled "Aging Flower Child" about the 59-year-old woman who's in jail for urinating in the aisle of a commercial airliner in protest for being forced to stay in her seat despite being severely claustrophobic. I intended to post the recording for all of you, O my Brothers. Well, I guess we'll have to wait.

However, Pete did manage to scrawl some of the lyrics on a bar napkin. As a consolation prize here they are:

Aging Flower Child let your Golden Shower flow.
Flow on down the aisle so all the passengers may know
how your poor heart weeps 'cause freedom isn't free
in a world where you're in prison
just because you had to pee.
In gentler times perhaps there'd be some empathy
for your claustrophobia
and your loss of liberty.

Bewk heard Pete play the song on acoustic guitar and claims it's an early Bob Dylan rip-off. Is that so bad? It seems early Dylan (as opposed to later Dylan) is what you should rip-off if you're ripping-off Dylan in a music landscape where every song you hear is a direct rip-off of some 60's, 70's, or 80's luminary. If Pete doesn't come through with his promise perhaps some of you readers could send your own version of the song to Jihad Jerry and I'll post the best ones. I'll even send you an autographed JJ CD and a T-shirt!

Now, put that Jihad Jerry and the Evildoers T-shirt on with a pair of GIT MO' (P-Diddy's new action wear label) track pants, flip flops and CLEAN UNDERWEAR, then get ready for that secondary cavity search at your local airport where TSA tactics are exploding with new ideas and technology. My favorite program is the one inspired by Dr. Paul Ekman, a professor at San Francisco State University in the mid-1960 who developed a behavioral profiling system, FACS (Facial Action Coding System) based on facial muscle movements that supposedly betray states of mind and, thus, potential criminal behavior.

Even though Eckman himself concluded that the use of such observation yields a result slightly better than chance (55%-45%) TSA screeners are being "trained" to use a simplified version. Considering the average IQ of TSA workers must be shy of 100 points, which is less than half of their average weight in pounds and almost twice as much as their average height in inches, it's a truly frightening Brave New Pinhead World scenario. Various American newspapers re-printed the Doctor's photo references depicting a subject displaying various facial features that end in a full-on cavity search and/or arrest for "suspicious" behavior. The expressions include genius categories such as "Sadness," "Disgust," "Anxiety," "Confusion," and "Anger" - all of which any sane person with a normal IQ will experience when subjected to the routine, random humiliation of the modern-day traveler.

Basically the FACS based program gives subhuman TSA screeners cart blanche to harass anyone towards who they take a dislike. Once they single out and approach their prey they ask a series of inane questions like "anything good in the paper today?" while making intense eye contact. I was targeted at the Houston airport on my last trip to Brain Dead Tavern. I don't know whether it was my Jihad Jerry Turban or my copy of the New York Times that tipped them off but I was very glad I'd had a colonic the day before.

The simple truth is the government is acutely aware that these tactics are bogus and will not stop any "perp" who is sufficiently motivated. Officials have admitted that the ludicrous new carry-on policy has in fact increased danger by causing a glut of unscreened, checked luggage chalked full of dangerous liquids, lighters, potential, I-pod detonators, etc better routed out on a routine carry-on baggage search. The true purpose of the airport security policies is to subject masses of people to Police State-style control. It's working well. The sheep are adapting nicely. Standing in long lines, treated like prisoners, blindly obeying any arbitrary command, believing in the a priori guilt of any fellow traveler they see hauled away, they smile as Cable ENG crews approach them, bleating out like pod people "if this keeps us safe from Terrorists then I'll endure it gladly". I think the most terrifying thing in the world is being judged by a TSA screener four feet wide, four feet tall, an IQ of 90, making $6.75 an hour who hates you because you're going to Hawaii and they're going home at the end of their shift.

O my Brothers, long gone are the glory days when travelers cheered OJ as he ran through the airport hurdling luggage and rope lines for the glory of Hertz. And speaking of OJ it seems Polygamist Warren Jeffs aped a page from OJ's playbook with wigs, cash and cell phones stashed in his RED Escalade. I guess he felt guilty about having so many ladies because he certainly was asking for it by traveling outside of Vegas in a RED Escalade with no license plates. His own religion for which he is a considered a prophet forbids the use of, or the wearing of, the color RED! Another "man of faith" disgraced. Shocking!

Finally Donald Rumsfeld gets kudos for continuing to attempt to trump Dr. Strangelove. He reached deep into Joe McCarthy's playbook with his claim that anyone who is against the Iraq War is as bad as those people who attempted to appease Hitler prior to World War Two. To quote the Donald "they just don't understand Fascism". Jihad Jerry begs to differ. Fascism is everywhere and Donald's statement is proof that it starts right here at home. Anyone who's honest will agree.

Sims Salad Bam